There are lots of selfish women in the world.
Let’s just get that out of the way.
But the women I know, my best friends and family are probably some of the most unselfish women I’ve ever known. They are all beautifully giving and I think that’s really important in a relationship – to be giving, flexible, compromising.
So when I hear about my best gals having to navigate a relationship with a selfish man, I’m disappointed. I’m disappointed that such a wonderful woman has to deal with such a ridiculous man. I’m disappointed that men still behave this way.
A close girlfriend of mine and Gretchen’s has lately been dealing with a selfish man. From what I can tell, whatever they do has to be on his terms, in line with his schedule, no compromising. Never mind that my friend will turn her world upside down to see him, to be with him if only for a moment. She’ll rearrange her schedule to accommodate his whims.
Will he do the same for her? No.
He will not rearrange his schedule to see her. He will not accommodate her whimsy. A spur-of-the-moment romantic gesture or event is unwelcome by a selfish man. My friend is left spurned and sad. Wilted.
The thing about this selfish man is that his selfishness is not malicious. It’s not mean or to spite my friend. He is literally clueless. He doesn’t know that his behavior is selfish. His life has only ever been about him and this is his way. It’s almost as if he speaks another language.
And this language of compromise is foreign to him. Her actions do not translate to unselfish and caring acts, but just actions. Just things she does. Because, she does.
This is why I say a selfish man cannot be helped. He does not understand what a selfless woman does for him. His expression is blank. He tilts his head. He blinks.
A selfish man can’t be helped because he doesn’t know he is selfish. The word doesn’t exist to him. And you can’t explain something that someone can’t even imagine.
Jane
Boner in the Back 
It’s easy to be a selfish man, right dear DateJane? That would be surprised to find out some similar view-points about “The Selfish Men” from your entry! Here is my entry to share with you: http://theladydiary.wordpress.com/2013/01/07/easy-to-be-selfish
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Probably the most self absorbed collection of posts I’ve ever read in one location and yet the author complains about selfish men as a type without any hint of irony. Jane you most certainly fit a type yourself. However if someone took the time to explain that type to you, they would most likely be met with a tilted head and blinks. Or a snarky one liner. I know, I know, I started the previous sentence with a conjunction. BTW, I truly don’t believe you are mean or spiteful either, it’s simply that you speak a different language. Half full – you’ll always have sex and the city…your degree…and Gretchen. OMG I almost forgot…your BLOG!
Then again, maybe you’ll grow out of it in your thirties.
Almost forgot, the take away here: don’t read this and feel bad about yourself, just start trying to feel better about others.
Dear No Name,
We here at BITB appreciate all comments, which is why we even approved your harsh comments towards us. Jane is out of pocket currently, so I have taken it as my friend duty to reply. (Wedding crashers Rule #1: Never leave a fellow Crasher behind. Crashers take care of their own.)
I have to say, you must have never met Jane because if you had you would know she is amazing…and you would be absorbed in her too! Jane actually does pretty selfless work for a living, but you nor anyone else who has never met her would know that because that’s not what this blog is about.
***Spoiler alert*** This blog is about DATING. And I could be wrong, but last time I checked dating is about finding the person that you are supposed to be with, which is a pretty self-absorbed process.
We don’t take ourselves that seriously, so please don’t take us that seriously. If the blog bothers you that much then what’s great is that you can choose not to read it. We have lots of readers who do love to read what we write. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything that we say (or ANYTHING for that matter) and plenty of our readers don’t. However, they handle it in a respectful way. One of the rules for fair fighting between anyone is to attack the issue, not the person . All we ask is that you play fair. So next time, give us better ammo and maybe we can all learn something.
Can’t we all just get along?
Gretch
Wow, I’m gone for a few days, de-worming orphans in Somalia, and Gretch starts throwing ‘bows. :::tear::: That’s friendship, folks.
No Name, if nothing else comes from this reply you should be comforted in knowing that one of the perks of being self-absorbed is that you have lots of time to self-reflect and when the evolution is complete you end up being super self-aware – and maybe a little bit neurotic. So if you or anyone else were to say, “Jane, you are this type: ____ of woman.” I would most likely respond with, “Tell me about it! I know! :::grimace::: I’m also… [list other issues here].”
Maybe I don’t communicate it enough, and I’ll be better from now on (thanks for the tip), but I try to identify, not only my date’s shortcomings, but my own as well. And like Gretchen wrote, dating is about finding the person that matches you and your shortcomings. Not to be trite about it, but what’s that saying about finding the “imperfect person that fits you perfectly…”
So because this blog’s purpose is to share our dating stories, I wouldn’t expect that you would find much else here, sorry. You might try blogs by The New York Times, New Yorker, WSJ or my international favorite, The Guardian for more high-brow content. And if I’m still single in my thirties I would expect that this blog wouldn’t get less “self-absorbed” – just warning ya. You might as well quit reading now.
Thanks for the take-away. Your thorough familiarity with this blog, use of my creative-writing techniques and references to specific posts shows me that you’ve done your research and are well-versed in all things BITB.
In the infamous words of Regina George, “Why are you so obsessed with me?”
Jane
PS. Ditto to Gretchen’s note to not take us so seriously. I included jokes above to try to create a playful tone. Hope you got it.
I love this blog because the girls write it as if it’s their diary. Forgive Jane for being “selfish” if the star of her own diary is herself.
damn straight. im a staaaaaar. 🙂
Jane… you incredible girl… you should know some of us are simply trying to gather what we must to live life fully…we are all selfish…your wants and desires are a part of who we are when we love you…and why do we love you? When you give so much that we feel we MUST give back..we know we have fallen on our own sword…we must give you our hearts…our feelings… sometimes we even surrender to you… sometimes…
T.
Thanks T, nice little insight. Jane